What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:03
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was very sick at this time too.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Comes on , in middle age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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One cannot live in the past .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I have no regrets .
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I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why would a person who is educated and skillful still find it hard to get a better job?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Can we state Alia Bhatt as the most versatile actress in Bollywood now?
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He knew the spot.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My life is so biszare .
When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Who then, do I blame.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
(And it was in our own minds.)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was in good health!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Put me off passion for life!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I said to her
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But, we were locked up after school.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She found it foreign!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I think the readers, may guess!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was scared of men, in general
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is soul school!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Would this be the day?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It was going to be , some day.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was 9 years of age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She loved him until the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was seconnd youngest,
I don,t even have a pension.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.